Fatherhood

 There are alot of different paths that can lead men to fatherhood. I'm not talking about the actual process of becoming a father in the physical act of it, for that comes natural and sometimes unexpectedly, and most warm blooded males can accomplish it.  I am speaking of the different types of foundations that develop, prepare and mold boys to men, and men to fathers. There are those who are fortunate enough to get to live their entire childhood and adolescent lives observing and witnessing their fathers being fathers that teach and lay out solid foundations that lead to successful paths to being great fathers. Now that doesn't mean that those roads are always straight and smooth, as with almost all aspects of life we all learn from both the good and the bad in people. 

On the other side there are those men who sadly don't get to walk down that path, due to cases of personal loss, divorce, and yes even cases where cowards choose their own separate paths, and for whatever reason they walk away. These are the foundations that start out very brittle and shakey in stature, that are at risk of never being solid and able to develop into strong statures.  This example is indeed how my foundation started, broken and cracked,  lacking in structural integrity. My biological parents divorced when I was only 18 months, and it appeared that my foundation would depend solely on me to construct and make strong. Considering the fact that due to circumstances beyond his control my biological father which lived in the same rural county of Kentucky, would never meet me until my 18 birthday.

Now based on that it would appear my foundation was doomed, but life had other ideals, when I was about 2 and a half years old my mother developed a relationship with a man she had met while working as a waitress in a small local restaurant. He was intellegient, educated, came from a big family and had the heart of a lion.  His interest and love for me started almost immediately, I can actually remember the man telling me that he probably actually fell in love with me even before he did my mother. They were soon married and very rapidly we became a family. Those early years of my life, I knew him only as my dad, no step dad I was raised to believe he indeed was my real father, it was not permited by mother that anyone say otherwise, and I remember that my mother went as far making me go by his last name for many years, even for my first couple years of school.

His name was Gary, a man who taught me how to throw, how to catch, yes he also taught me discipline and respect. Many Sundays my mother would work the whole day, it would be just me and him, our routine usually consisted of going to visit nanny which was my mother's mom, or we would go to grandmommie's house which was his mother's house. Whichever he chose, I was happy either way, because everyone in his family never looked at me as a step grandchild or a step nephew they all loved me as if we had the same blood running through our veins.

Several years after Gary and my mother were married they sadly lost a child that only lived nine days, and the emotional trauma it delivered was too devastating for their relationship to make it through the storm. I was almost ten when they officially split up, it's strange how some memories stick with you for life, I can still remember my mother breaking the news to me that they would no longer be together. This news made me very sad, I can remember actually crying as she spoke through her own tears. I believe it was breaking her heart too, because this choice was hers and she more than anything else knew this man truly loved me. But it just wasn't enough to make her stay with him. This news was broken to me while I played with my matchbox cars at the end of the driveway as the sun was setting, and just as she stood to walk away she turned and said to me, "son, don't be so sad he isn't your real father anyway." I know that sounds mean and cold, though I don't believe she meant for it too, in some way I think she thought it was a way to stop or ease my pain. I sat there a very stunned, lost little boy suddenly unclear of who I was and where I came from.

The bond between me and Gary was so strong that for the next several years I would go to his house on every other weekend, and even stay some during the summers when school was out.  Even after Gary had remarried and had two daughters of his own I still would stay with him and his new wife and family. They also were always wonderful to me and I remember being very close to them. As the years passed and the life of being a teenager began, our visits did stop becoming very frequent, but we always were close and his love for me never stopped.

I am now a father myself, my wife and I have four children, our oldest daughter is mine from an ex, and our two younger daughters are from a previous of hers, we also have a son together. Having a  home with his, hers and ours is challenging and demands even more compromise, understanding and alot of patience. When I look back on where my foundation started and here where it has ended up, it is powerfully amazing to me that not only did Gary strengthen my foundation by raising me but the unconditional love that he showed me , I believe was the most powerful trait he passed to me. For it has helped me to try to be a great father for my kids, Gary's decision to raise me, and love me as if I was his own, singlehandly change my foundation for life.

We all have times and moments in our lives when the paths we go down, and the choices we make have a chance to change peoples lives, and no one needs unconditional love more than children who have beaten and battered foundations. Children can't control the parents they are dealt, but some of us have opportunities to be the person that can strengthen their foundations and be a stronghold in their lives. One person can make a difference that has life long effects, for I am living proof, one man can solidify a foundation, and for me that man........was Gary.